Basic Bus Hair, part 5. You know the drill. Standard disclaimers, blah, blah, blah.
\”Don\’t get too comfortable. We\’ll only be here 15 minutes.\” – Seymour Houston at the beginning of a seven hour layover at the Houston Trailways Terminal
Sometimes, a long journey may begin in the faithful clubwagon, but along the way, it is exchange for the Hilton of the Highways, the charter bus. Not onely does this road resort hold forty people more comfortably than its primitive little cousin, but it has other advantages. For speed, greater variety of sleeping positions, and facilities for those with small bladders, Go Big Red, or fly.
These luxuries, however, do not come without sacrifice. In oder to board the mighty machine, one must go to the bus terminal and wait for the bus. They call it a terminal for a reason. The wait may be 5 minutes (possible, not probable), an hour (Are we having fun yet?) or ten hours (We\’re having BIG FUN now!)
The bus terminal doesn\’t have to be a terminal bore. It can be an enjoyable, entertaining, and yes, even educational place, if imaginative minds are planning the activities. Below are some suggestions for passing the time at the terminal. Expand on them, or try some of your own. JUST-
-BE SURE TO BRING BAIL MONEY
1. Some bus terminals have TV sets available. Try to avoid them. You can watch tv at home.
2. Don\’t even think of trying to read the \”things you brought along.\” Save them for the bus.
3. Try not to spend all your time with teh people in your group. You\’ll see them later and there are a lot of people at the bus station you\’ll never see anywhere else.
1. Get a bus schedule and plan some alternative trips. Be srue to ask the clerk abotu ticket costs, departure times, etc. Ignore the printed schedule she gives you, it\’s probably wrong, but wave it around anyway. For extra fun, order tickets, pay for them, then change your mind and demand your money back. Get the trip leader involve. Repeat once per hour.
2. Drug Deal Bingo. Make a bingo card featuring the names of illegal substances. For every deal witnessed, mark the appopriate box. First person to fill the card wins. For extra fun, instead of marking the box, tape a sample of the substance. This may involve purchasing the products, but don\’t use your bail money!!
3. Take surveys. Use a clipboard. Be sincere. Ask intensely personal questions. Laugh later.
5. Buy food from the vending machines to sell later at a profit to AF sufferers. If you are afflicted, now\’s the time to hoard.
The Battle of the Box
\”Turn that thing down!\” – Jay Linn, after the 52nd reptitition of \”The Fat Boys are
In this corner, weighing in at 10 pounds, the challenger, the Power Panasonic, featuring Prince and the Revolution. In the opposite corner, weighing 12 1/2 pounds, the current champion, the Gregarious GE featuring David Lee Roth.
Gentlemen (?) Start your jamming!
Congratulations. You have jsut become the referee of the battle of the box. Actually, it\’s an easy job. Since you can\’t stop the fight, all you must do is enforce the Rules of Fair Fighting.
The Rules of Fair Fighting:
1. Each boom box must have a self contained power supply. Plugging into the cigarette lighters or Bus PA system is automatic forfeiture.
2. No amplifiers of any kind.
3. No piggy backing more speakers.
4. Any music which causes the vehicle to move without the engine running is illiegal.
5. The winner will receive a set of headphone. The loser will supple Extra Strength Tylenol to all bus passengers.
Disciplinary action for rule offenders.
Any person guilty of stereo offenses will sit in the bus restroom for one hour while subjected to high volumes of Barry Manilow.
The James Taylor Syndrome.
\”Play it again, Sam.\”
The James Taylor Syndrome is a mind crippling condition which tends to occur at hight altitudes and/or long trips. The cause of this condition is the repeated playing of a cassette tape. It is named for JT because his albums are quickly and powerfully addicting. The symptoms of JTS are visible soon after the 6th repetition of the tape.
1. Mental breakdown
2. Severe silliness
3. Music trivia becomes the only acceptable topic of conversation
4. Can repeat all lyrics of all songs on the tape. In listed order.
5. Chant\’s \”Let\’s play it again\” during any period of silence.
If any of these symptoms occur, administer large doses of K-Tel\’s Greatest Hits, followed by intrumental music. and see a musician as soon a possible.
Tomorrow, our last installment….The People on the Bus.
I\’ve been on buses in remote areas of the Philippines, rainforest areas, where you catch the bus at dusk, a sitting bus, one you know will sit all night. You catch it because if you don\’t, you don\’t get out of the rainforest. YOu sit waiting until the next morning. You don\’t eat or use the restroom, you simply guard your seat.I\’ve ridden on traintops in India. I\’ve also stood for hours in India waiting on a bus that you\’ve got five minutes to board, and it seems the whole village is waiting too and when the bus arrives little old ladies and everyone else elbows sucker foreigner you out of the way to get past you and get the forty or so seats because other wise you will stand for hours butt to belly button as we used to say in the Marines. And while standing, people start puking once the ride begins.And in Afghanistan there were twenty-six of us on a VW van used for a bus.I guess I should write about this. But right now I\’m writing about a haunted house.